Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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