mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
