she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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