if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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