it wasn't lemon gatorade
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize