Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
