You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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