And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Im part way to drunk.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
