Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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