fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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