Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
