toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
