don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
