dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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