my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
