My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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