Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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