exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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