Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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