i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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