Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
