drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Randomize
