Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
