my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
