im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize