Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
