He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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