The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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