Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
