I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
