i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
