Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
