Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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