He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
