Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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