You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
