I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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