Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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