he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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