things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
