apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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