Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
