There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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