you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
