im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
