I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Will exercising make me less horny?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
