You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
