He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
