just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
