Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
True college students do jello shots in the library
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