If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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