six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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