Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
