My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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