thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm having to shit out rocks
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