I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
