I cannot find my penis.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
