Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize