I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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