I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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