i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
